Updated: Jan 9
These words come from a part of me that suffered a great deal from not fully embracing my worth even when I was convinced I felt worthy. It was at a time when I found myself accepting someone into my life that did not see me, hear me, value me, appreciate me, respect me or honor me. And as we know our external circumstances and relationships are always reflecting back to us how we are feeling internally. So clearly I was being shown I had more healing to dive into.
I could see that sometimes this person attempted to and even genuinely wished they knew how to offer all of these things to me. In other words, I saw potential. Seeing Potential is very different than seeing someone be committed to creating lasting change. Telling ourselves we see potential is imagining what isn’t real so that we don’t actually have to face what IS real. In this case, it was clear this person had no desire to take responsibility and instead continued to do what was easy. What’s always easier is to blame others, make excuses, manipulate and lie about situations and shut down all emotions. It became increasingly clear that as much as they may have wanted to change they weren't willing to go the distance and do the deeper work.
I was confronted with two choices. I could ignore all of it and continue to remain in an unfulfilling relationship or I could get radically honest with myself.
If you know anything about me, I'm not one to sail on the surface of things. The need to swim in the depths of truth is the only way that I know how to survive. I may try to fool myself for a short time, but eventually the need to reveal truth and live in integrity with what feels right for me becomes more important than pretending things are just ”good."
And let me be clear here - the need to be seen, heard, valued and respected doesn't come from a sense of neediness. When we know and embody our own value and have a deep respect for ourselves, we actually don't need anyone to give this to us. It becomes simply what we expect. It becomes our standards. There is a big difference.
So I asked myself two questions, "Why was this person sticking around even when I was making it clear to them that they couldn't meet my needs?" and more importantly "Why was I keeping this person around when they couldn't meet my needs?"
To answer the first question, it became clear that this person was gaining a lot from sticking around. Clearly I was fulfilling their needs or else they wouldn't have had any desire to be in my energy. They took what they could in a way that was convenient for them without considering how they themselves were showing up.
To answer the second question, I was keeping them around because I was still choosing out of an old wound that sounded something like, "The more I give, the more I'll be seen and valued."
This is a lie. Our worth and our value simply just exist because we exist. Our worth and our value do not come from anything that we do. I needed this person to show me that this emotional wound of mine was still alive and needed deeper healing. As soon as I met myself at this vulnerable place with even more love and even more acceptance, I was able to release this person.
So back to my quote, the more we commit to our own healing, the more we up evel our emotional maturity, the more we are able to see and feel when someone will benefit in a healthy way from our presence or benefit from our absence. Remaining in this relationship would have reinforced both my own and the other persons' wounding and patterning. I would have ignored my needs out of my own fear and I wouldn't have allowed the other person the opportunity to really look at how they played a role as well. Whether or not the other person chooses to take responsibility for themselves is never our responsibility, but being able to sense when they are no longer contributing to our lives in a positive, fulfilling, healthy and inspiring way is completely our responsibility.